While writing this, I have looked at a wide range of sources on violence committed by men, and the picture they paint is not particularly pleasant. We men should have the courage to admit that. After all, we are responsible and decent people. Most of us, at least. And those who are not there yet can practice.
This is not an easy subject for me. I am no saint either when it comes to how we treat other people. So I am not writing as an outside observer or from the moral high ground. And I cannot help wondering whether I am going to get punched for this.
Why are we men so violent?
I know the reaction that question can easily provoke: here we go again, blaming all men.
That is not what this is about. Not all men are violent. Most men do not hit their partners or children, or attack anyone else. Most of us try to take responsibility and resolve conflicts without using our fists.
And yet the perpetrator of violence is remarkably often a man. Nor do we use violence only against women. In the street, in bars and at home, the person a man hits is often another man. Men are not only the perpetrators of violence but also its victims. More often than not, there is a man on both sides.
Our violence does not stop with adults. It is also directed at children and animals. Masculine power can also be seen in the way we have treated the environment and exploited nature over the centuries.
There have undoubtedly been times when a readiness to use violence was useful. Physical strength and courage were needed to defend one’s family and survive. But those same qualities have also been used to conquer and destroy.
> We men often know how to fix a car or build a house, but can we say that we are afraid?
Perhaps the problem is not that men feel aggression. It becomes a problem when we do not know what to do with it. We men often know how to fix a car or build a house, but can we say that we are afraid? Do we recognize shame before it turns into violence? Do we ask for help before someone else has to pay for our distress? And when a friend behaves threateningly, do we intervene—or look away and decide it is none of our business?
We have succeeded in building very safe societies. Violence is no longer considered an acceptable way to resolve ordinary conflicts, and we have learned to protect vulnerable people better than before. That is an enormous achievement, but the work is not finished.
Now we need to make one more push. We need to teach boys that they do not have to respond to every taunt, and that backing down is not cowardice. Talking about feelings does not make anyone weak. Asking for help may be the most responsible thing a man can do.
Blaming all men helps no one. But neither does ending every discussion by pointing out that not all men are violent. Even if not every man is responsible for violence committed by men, each of us is responsible for the behavior we accept from those around us.